Not the Girl Next Door
by Star24
Summary: Spoilers: Pollo Loco Logan and Max deal with her past NEW CHAPTER 5 ADDED
1. Images

The pictures

Disclaimer: Don't onw them, don't profit from them, just like to play with them.

A/N : What I hope Logan would be feeling after "Pollo Loco". 

The pictures. Those fucking horrible pictures. I can't get them out of mind. It's 3 AM and I can't sleep. When I try all I can see are the pictures running through my mind.

Fucking Lydecker and fucking Manticore. What kind of people could do something like that? What kind of human could create innocent children and deliberately raise them

to be capable of such an act? I can't find it in me to blame the kids, they were after all, doing only what they had been bred (what a disgusting word when applied to humans) and trained to do. Genetically enhanced killing machines. I hate myself for ever saying that to Max. It's Lydecker and all those with him that I hold responsible. They are the ones who in my mind have forfeited all rights to be called humans. They are the true monsters.

I've never really understood Max's feelings about Manticore before. I mean I knew she hated it and that they must have done terrible things to her but I never connected with it emotionally they way I do now. No wonder she reacted the way she did to Dr. Vertese.

Max. I keep thinking about her and how she must feel. I **know** Max and she isn't what Lydecker tried to convince me she is. Like I would ever believe anything he told me, the bastard. Max escaped Manticore at age 9 and has spent the last 10 years overcoming what they did to her. Max has a conscience and compassion; I have seen it over and over again. She is strong, stronger than I ever knew, to be able to keep her sanity and her essential goodness intact after Manticore. Ben didn't have that strength.

Oh my god. I just wanted to go to her and hold her and tell her it was all right. I wanted to cry with her and grieve with her and help her. She killed her brother. She only did what she had to and it was an act of mercy but I know it is tearing her apart. She so desperately wants to have her family, her siblings. Ben was destroyed by Manticore. I doubt there was any saving him. Max couldn't let him go on as he was and she couldn't let him go back. I can't imagine what Manticore would have done to him.

I wish she would open up to me about what happened both then and now. I want so much to be there for her. At the same time I'm afraid to let her know I know. She'll want to know how I got the pictures and she'll be so angry with me for going to Lydecker behind her back. She'll see it as an act of betrayal not as an act born of worry and desperation, of fear for her. And after seeing the pictures I can understand how she would see it that way. 

How did the world get so fucked up? Why do creatures like Lydecker exist?

Do we never learn anything? Are we doomed to keep on this way, every couple of generations creating these monstrous creatures, the Hitler's, the serial killers, the Lydeckers? 

I think these thoughts and I am ready to despair but then I think about Max. Max, my Dark Angel. Despite Lydecker and Manticore, Max has an inner light about her. She has been to hell and returned. She gives me faith that we can become better, that goodness can overcome evil. I only hope that somehow, in some way I can be there for her when she needs me to be. I hope that I can make her believe that I don't care about her past, just as she doesn't care about my wheelchair. I care about what she is now and what she can be, not about what she was.

I will try to get some sleep now but I don't know if I will. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, what I will do next. I do know that I hate Manticore and Lydecker with an intensity I've never felt before. Somehow, someday I will do something about them. I don't yet know how or what but I know that I will. That is my vow to myself and to Max. 


	2. Discovery

Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't profit from them, just like to play with them

Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't profit from them, just like to play with them

A/N: The next day after Pollo Loco. Max finds out Logan has the pictures.

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The sun is actually shining, a rare sight for rainy Seattle. I'd almost prefer a rainy day; it would certainly fit my mood. The envelope with the pictures still sits on my desk next to my computer. I need to put it away although I really want to burn it. I probably should burn it, destroy the obscenity. I hate even to touch it, handle it

I still feel sick whenever I think of the pictures. I need to get past this and put it out of my mind. But, I don't think I will be able to until I talk to Max about it. How do I do that? We have such an unusual relationship. The emotions are there but we communicate on a non-verbal level most of the time, never coming out and saying what we actually mean. On top of that she is going to be pissed that I went to Lydecker behind her back. 

If I had only known maybe I wouldn't have made that call to him. At the time I was out of my mind with worry about Max. I had no idea if she would be able to handle it alone, an out of control psychotic X5. If I had had a contact number for Zack I probably would have called him, that's how afraid I was for her. Turns out she could and did handle Ben but at what a cost to herself.

I have to talk to Max. Hard as it may be she needs to hear from me that I've seen the pictures. Lydecker is trying to drive a wedge between us and given the opportunity he will make sure she knows I have them. I only hope I can find the right words. Me, Eyes Only, "man of letters" as she called me, at a loss for words.

Steeling myself I reach for my phone and dial her pager number. Beep…beep…beep. I punch in my number and put down the phone. Nothing to do now but wait and try to figure out what I am going to say to her. Bling is off today so I don't even have the distraction of physical therapy. Half-heartedly I boot up my computer and pull up the last Eyes Only files I was working on. Time passes slowly as I wait for the phone to ring.

"Hey" Hands cover my eyes and I smell her unique scent. Damn, instead of calling back she has come over. I'm not ready for this I planned on asking her to come for dinner to give myself more time to know what to say.

"Max…I didn't expect you to come over." I stammer as I reach up to remove her hands and turn my chair to face her. As always I feel a jolt of electricity on seeing her. The chemistry between us is as strong as ever and it is all I can do not to reach out and take her hands, pulling her down into my lap. I know I can't though, especially not now. Not with that envelope lying just inches away on my desk. Why the hell didn't I put it away?

Max must have caught my glance at the envelope because she reaches over and picks it up.

"Next Eyes Only mission?" she asks as she opens it and pulls out the pictures. Frozen, unable to move or speak I sit there watching helplessly.

"Max, no, don't…" but it is too late. She recognizes the first picture and rapidly flips through the rest. I can tell when she comes to the one of her, the one with blood on her mouth and face.

There is dead silence in the room as she stares at the picture and I stare at her. Finally she looks up and I want to cry at what I see in her eyes. I have never seen such pain.

"So Logan, now you know" said quietly. "Who sent them to you, Deck?"

"Lydecker." I confirm. "He's figured out that Eyes Only knows you and he had them delivered to my drop box." I'll confess later about the call. I admit I'm a coward.

"Well you called it the first time we talked. Genetically enhanced killing machine. You were more right than you knew." She is trying to be flip but I can tell what it is costing her.

"No Max. I was more wrong than I knew." Suddenly the words come out, the words I didn't think I could find. "You're so much more than that. You have compassion and empathy and so much caring inside of you. What happened when you were a child happened in another time and another place. You were the victim as much as that man lying on the ground. The real killers were Lydecker and all those who worked with him on his twisted program. You and the others were their victims. Even Ben. Who knows what Ben would have been if he had had a different childhood." 

She is shaking her head in disbelief; I have to find the words to reach her, to convince her. "Max I know that what I'm saying is true because I know myself. I know that I couldn't have the feelings I have for you, the connection I feel between us, for a monster. I have faith in myself and I have faith in you. In the poem I wrote, the one you took, I called you somebody's angel. It was a lie. You're not somebody's angel you're my angel. My angel with slightly tarnished wings." I stop not knowing if I have made things better or worse.

She has turned slightly away from me as I speak and I can't see her face. Reaching out I take her hand and pull her back to face me. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. The only other time I have ever seen her cry is when she thought Cindy was rejecting her. Cindy knew what to do – she hugged her. I remember running to my mother when I was a child with a scraped knee and

she would kiss it and make it better. I remember what I have read about the

healing power of touch and I know what to do. 

I pull on her hand tugging her down to kneel on the floor in front of my chair as she did once before. Reaching out I pull her into my arms, her head on my shoulder. She comes willingly, still silently crying. I stroke her hair and murmur nonsense to her and she puts her arms around me. For long minutes we remain like this until finally she raises her head. Her cheeks are streaked with tears but she is not crying anymore. Our eyes meet and she manages a weak smile. Things will be okay. 

We still need to talk, about her past, and about my conversation with Lydecker but that is for the future. Today it is enough that we have connected again in our own special way. Somehow, whenever it seems like everything is falling apart, we manage to keep it together. 

I don't really understand this connection between us, I am afraid to put words to it but there is a strength to it. After the Pulse I lost whatever belief I had in a higher power but I am starting to believe that maybe there is some force at work. Something brought us together and for a purpose that I can't yet figure out. For now I am not even going to try. I have my Max back and I am content with that. Tomorrow can take care of itself.

Max finally stirs in my arms. "Hey Logan any chance of a girl getting some food around here? You made me miss my lunch break and if I go back now Normal's gonna send me right out on a run." Trust Max to get to the essentials. Laughing I release her and head for the kitchen to feed my dark angel.

A/N: What do you think? Too mushy at the end? Shall it go on…?


	3. The Woods

It is cold and there is snow on the ground

Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't profit from them, just like to play with them

A/N: A slight divergence from Logan's POV. I needed to get Max's feelings in before I went further.

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It is cold and there is snow on the ground. The woods are quiet with an eerie stillness. Even the birds are not singing. It is as if the world is waiting, waiting for what is to come. Lydecker speaks to the man dressed in prison uniform; he hands him a knife and the man turns and runs. Deck counts down from 5 and then Zack gives a hand signal and we are off.

Off, running like a wolf pack through the snowy woods. Branches slap my face, stinging my skin. The rush of our passage dislodges snow from the higher brush and it falls on me, running in icy rivulets inside the back of my sweatshirt. I don't really notice. My heart is pounding and my blood is rushing hotly in my veins. Some instinct has taken me over, something primal and strong. I have been told I have feline DNA in my genetic mix, perhaps that is what has come to the fore guiding my steps as I follow the others through the dark woods.

Ben and Zack have caught up with the prey, for that is what he has become to all of us now. We are the predators, he is the prey. Not all of us have feline DNA, some have wolf or bear or others of the large predators mixed into them. (I'm not sure who has what, although each one of us knows our own mix.) The prey is down, lying helplessly on the ground as we surround him.

Mission accomplished. 

We are supposed to stop here, hold him and wait for Lydecker and the others to come take him away but something happens. Ben is reaching down and tearing open his shirt.

I want to cry out "No, Ben, don't touch him." but the discipline of silence instilled in me is too strong. The shirt opens and there is a picture on his chest. A heart with a knife through it. Ben draws back and then cries out.

"A Nomlie, he's a Nomlie! " Of all of us I think Ben is most afraid of the Nomlies. He tries to hide his fear by acting brave and telling us stories about them to show his bravery, but I know. I don't know why Ben is so afraid of them. True, I hate to walk by their cells and I wouldn't want to meet up with one free of their restraints, but when I don't see them I don't think of them. Ben always seems to be thinking of them. Ben is the one who has created the rituals of the Blue Lady. Created the rituals so she will protect us from the Nomlies. I'm not so sure she can protect us from anything. 

I've learned early that the only ones you can depend on are yourself and your siblings. The others, the Lydeckers and the doctors are the enemy. To them we are commodities, potential soldiers yes, but disposable if we are not up to standards. To me the Blue Lady is more of a wistful dream, an escape, a hope of something we don't know but somehow sense is out there somewhere.

I am brought back to attention by the sudden rush of the others falling on the man. Ben has attacked him and the others have followed. The smell of blood is in the air and the sounds of the others fill my head. It sounds like a pack of wolves that has brought down their prey. I am in the middle of it, carried along by my sibs. I feel his flesh tearing under my fingernails and the taste of his blood in his mouth. Somewhere inside of me the human part stands back disgusted and sickened by what I am doing but unable to stop it. 

My training by Lydecker has taken over and the predator they have made part of me from is in control of my body…

I have never forgotten that day hard as I have tried. It lives in my memory, a nightmare reminder of what I have inside of me. I have suppressed the memory but it still lives on and now Ben has awakened it. Poor Ben, caught up in the nightmare of what he is and unable to ever escape it. I don't know his exact genetics but they may have used a stronger mix of predator in him than in some of us others. That is all I can think. His urge to hunt and kill was too strong for him and once released of the restraints of Manticore his human part was unable to keep it in check. Perhaps he always knew that could happen on some level. Perhaps he knew he could easily become a Nomlie and that is why he was so afraid of them. I don't really know, psych courses were never my strongest point.

I will never forget the look in his eyes as he begged me not to leave him for Lydecker. The human part, the sweet, afraid little boy came out in his eyes. He broke my heart at that moment. I think I knew what I was going to have to do from the moment Logan told me what Ben was doing but I didn't want to face it. What were my choices? Leave him to go on killing – not an option. Surrender him to Lydecker to be tortured and tested in their twisted medical attempt to see what had gone wrong with their product? I loved Ben too much to give him up to Lydecker. That left only the choice I took. I had to do it, no one else could have; no normal human could have handled Ben. I wished Zack were there because Zack would have seen what had to be done and done it as a matter of course. Zack is harder than me in that way. But Zack wasn't around. It was only me and I did what I had to do. And now I will have to live with it.

I will be okay. I'm strong and I have lived with everything I have done in my life. The nightmares are bad now and little as I normally sleep, I know I will sleep even less for a while. When I close my eyes I relive the horrors of that day long years ago and I relive the pain I felt as I snapped Ben's neck. I loved my brother. The brother who told me stories and made shadow puppets for me on the walls. The brother who held me when I seized and told me it would be okay, the Blue Lady would protect me. The brother who told me about the Good Place when I was young and afraid. That is the brother I will remember.

We never learned about religion or praying at Manticore. I don't believe in some all-powerful God overseeing our actions. But, there may be something. That priest, Father Destry, has a goodness about him. He reminds me of Logan in that way. I can't talk to Logan about all of this; I don't want him to know these things about me. He called me an angel in his poem and I can't bear to disillusion him. I want to be an angel in his eyes, possibly be _his_ angel someday. But maybe I can talk to the priest. He said his God could forgive many things we can't forgive ourselves for. Maybe he can help me to make sense of what happened, maybe he can help me get rid of these nightmares. What the hell, it's worth a try. 


	4. Confession

It's been three days since Ben and I am still a coward

Disclaimer: Don't own them,don't profit from them, just like to have fun with them

A/N: Finally Logan gets up the nerve to tell Max about Lydecker.

*********************************

It's been three days since Ben and I am still a coward. Max saw the pictures and we got past that part okay. In fact things are pretty much back to normal. I page her, she comes over and has dinner, we play chess or watch a movie, she leaves. I haven't sent her out on an Eyes Only mission this week; I think both of us needed a break after all that happened.

Tonight I am going to do it. I am going to tell her about my conversation with Lydecker. I am afraid to wait any longer. Lydecker is a bastard and he was definitely trying to drive a wedge between us. If he doesn't succeed with me he will attack on Max's side. He will probably do that anyway just to cover all of his bases.

Max has to know from me what happened, not from him. 

One thing that is strange is Max's reaction to everything. The night it ended with her killing Ben in the forest she was quiet and subdued. I thought it would take her some time to get over things but by the next day she seemed okay, almost as if a load had been lifted from her shoulders. She even handled seeing the pictures fairly well. She must have come to terms with things but I wonder how. If it had been me I would have brooded over it and struggled for days on end. If she had talked about it to me and gotten it all out I would be less puzzled. I can't imagine she talked to Cindy and I don't know who else she would go to. (There's my ego talking, wanting to believe that Max comes to me with everything in her life.)

Anyway, that's not the point now. The point is that I have to open up to Max. I have to make her believe that I only called Lydecker out of concern for her. I also have to tell her what he said to me and make her understand that I don't (didn't) believe a word of it. She should be here any minute. Dinner is ready and waiting but I doubt I'll be able to eat a bite. 

"Hey Logan. Something smells heavenly and I am starved. Normal had me doing double runs today – half the staff is out with some flu or something." Max is here and hungry. As always she looks hot, dressed in tight jeans and a top that leaves her stomach bare. Of course to me Max would look hot in baggy sweats and top, just as long as she gave me that smile of hers. Logan; don't go there, especially not now. You have other things to think about.

"Come on then, everything's ready. Just let me get the wine." Wine is good. Maybe it will settle my nerves. I grab the bottle and pour, half a glass for her, a full one for me. Max gives me a sideways look at the amount if wine in my glass but doesn't say anything.

Dinner goes well, I think. Max doesn't seem to notice that I am only playing with the food on my plate. I finish off three-quarters of the wine on my own but she doesn't seem to notice that either. We finish and Max helps bring the dishes to the sink where we leave them to soak. 

Dishes done she wanders into the living room and stands looking out the window. I fool around for a few minutes in the kitchen until she turns and calls to me.

"Logan, if I didn't know better I'd think you were out there polishing off another bottle of wine." She did notice how much I drank at dinner. Should have known I couldn't get anything by her.

"Sorry, Max, just cleaning up a few little things." I can't stall any longer so I head to where she is but I do grab another bottle of wine on the way and two fresh glasses. She gives me a strange look as I open and pour the wine but refrains from commenting. Sitting on the couch she pats the space next to her invitingly. 

"Sit by me, Logan. You need to get out of that chair occasionally or it's going to become permanently attached." Damn, I don't need this. It's going to be hard enough as it is without being where I can't avoid her eyes as I confess. I can't resist the look she is giving me so I roll over and transfer from chair to couch. For a few minutes we sit silently, drinking our wine and gazing out the window. From here, at night, Seattle doesn't look so bad. Darkness hides many sins. I let my mind wander a moment, hoping I will find some inspiration.

"Okay Logan spill it." her voice startles me back to the present. 

"Spill what, Max?" I am playing for time. I'm not ready, I can't do this yet. She doesn't answer just looks at me waiting me out. She knows me too well. When I don't answer she tries again.

"The reason you've been pouring that wine down your throat all night. What have you done that you're afraid to tell me about?" Damn, does she really know me that well? Obviously she does.

" I did something you're probably going to hate me for." I try my little boy, caught in the cookie jar look on her. She regards me warily not buying it. 

"Logan…" I'm not getting out of this. I take a deep breath and plunge.

"I was out of my mind with worry the other day. There was a killer X5 on the loose and you hadn't been home or been to work. I was afraid you wouldn't be able to handle it on your own. So I thought of calling Zack. Only one problem, I didn't have his number."

She is looking at me very strangely so I stop.

"You were going to call Zack?" there is disbelief in her voice. "You hate Zack."

"I wouldn't say hate, Max. Lets just say he isn't exactly my idea of a fun guy to hang with." I gulp some more wine. How did my glass get empty? I don't remember drinking that much. Stalling I pour myself some more and offer more to Max who absently accepts it. I still can't read the look on her face.

"You didn't call Zack. What did you do Logan?" there is a sudden urgency in her voice, Max is no dummy, I think she's figured it out. Her next words confirm my guess.

"The pictures. Why did Lydecker suddenly send Eyes Only the pictures, Logan?" She's got it. I squirm uncomfortably. "You called Lydecker?" her voice rises in disbelief.

"I didn't know what else to do. The police weren't going to help, I was afraid you were in trouble, hell I was afraid Lydecker might have picked you up if you crossed paths looking for Ben. I had to know." Dead silence. I drink some more wine and so does she.

"What did he say to you Logan? What did he tell you?" her voice is low and I can't tell if she is angry or hurt or afraid.

"He told me a bunch of garbage, Max. Since when does Lydecker have anything worth listening to?" I need to tell her all of it and hope she can forgive me. "He told me that you, that all of the X5's, were like Ben, trained killers who could never be anything else.

He told me you were dangerous and could turn on me at any time."

"And what did you say?"

"I told him I wasn't worried about you, I was worried about Ben. I told him that he'd better stop Ben or I was going to do it myself. Then I hung up on him. That's all there is."

It's done, now I wait to see if she will forgive me. Max turns away for a minute staring out the window.

"Did you believe him?" Now it is my turn to feel a mix of emotions. I am angry and hurt at the same time that she can ask me this. Chill, Logan, you knew this wouldn't be easy.

"Do you really have to ask me that Max? After all we've been through together? After all you've done for me? Lydecker couldn't say anything that would ever make me doubt you. Lydecker has no idea who or what you are. I do." Do I dare go any further? I don't want her to freak on me. No, stop here Logan and see if it's enough. She isn't ready for more, you aren't ready for more. Don't even think the word, the four-letter word that stars with an l.

It seems like forever until she says in a level voice.

"I ought to kill you Logan. How in the hell could you go to him knowing what he is? You should have known he'd try to get between us if you did." Does that mean he didn't succeed? I have hope again. 

"Max, I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing given the same circumstances. I told you I worry about you. I would have gone to the devil himself if it would have helped you."

She looks up and suddenly grins at me. It's okay. I don't know what I said but it's okay.

"Logan, you did go to the devil you idiot." I smile back at her and our eyes meet. I am suddenly aware of how close she is to me. I look down and realize I am holding her hand. How did that happen? Did she? Did I? It must be the wine I have drunk. The room seems warm and I am all too aware of her lips only inches from mine. I feel like I am watching from outside my body as I lean down and our lips meet. Hers are soft and sweet. She tastes like the wine we have been drinking. When she doesn't pull away I close my eyes and deepen the kiss. 

Finally I pull away, needing to breathe. I run my hand along her jaw line and through her hair. She just looks at me. 

"Forever eyes. Dark. Somebody's angel." I pause knowing she recognizes the poem I wrote about her, the one she stole. "My angel, Max." There, I have said it.

"Your angel, Logan." She isn't freaking on me, she isn't running. She has heard and forgiven me for what I did. I sense that we have gone far enough tonight. Both of us need to step back now and let things settle.

"Want to watch a movie, Max?" She nods and I go to my stash of DVD's. I pull out one at random and we settle in together to watch of all things a Disney movie, The Little Mermaid. She grins at me and I put my arm around her pulling her close as we settle in together, Eyes Only and his angel.


	5. High Wire

I can truly say that this has been the week from hell

Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't make any money from them, just like to play with them.

A/N: This story has taken on a life of its own. Thought I was done after Chapter 4 but Max had to have her say. 

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I can truly say that this has been the week from hell. I feel drained and exhausted, (mentally and physically) by the events that have taken place. The kickoff of course was Ben. It started with my sorrow when Logan showed me Ben's barcode on that dead body. How I wish that had been all, that it truly had been Ben dead there in that morgue. I would have mourned, cried some tears for my dead brother and wondered what had killed him but I would have gotten over it. Instead I was plunged into a nightmare, a horror show that ended with my killing my brother. I truly didn't know what else to do but I will always wonder if I could have found some other solution, if I could have done something different.

I went and talked to Father Destry afterwards. Tried his "confession" thing. He is truly a good person and I do think he helped me. He didn't judge me for what I did, instead he urged me to put myself in the hands of "God" and let "God" do the judging. I'm still not sure I buy this whole religion deal but there may be something to it. If a person like the father can believe in it I have to allow for some possibility that there is something there.

Anyway I felt better just talking about what happened with someone. I normally would go to Logan but this was something I didn't want to share with him. Our relationship is too tentative right now and I really didn't want to disturb the balancing act we seem to have going. 

No sooner did I get that behind me than I found out that Lydecker sent pictures of that day in the woods to Logan. I didn't even remember them taking pictures but I think I was probably in some kind of state of shock after what happened. I think we all were, at least I remember us being exceptionally quiet afterwards and never really talking about it even amongst ourselves. I wanted to throw up when I found them and knew Logan had seen them. I was sure he was revolted and disgusted by me and what I was. In his place I probably would have been. Instead he was angry and full of sympathy for us and for what Manticore had done to us. That got to me more than his disgust would have. With all he is and tries to be he was able to understand and forgive me for that animalistic act. . 

I ended up crying in his arms. Me, the genetically enhanced killing machine kneeling on the floor crying like there's no tomorrow. He just held me and soothed me and let me get it all out. I never thought I would break down like that but I guess the combination of everything that happened finally broke the dam. 

I thought that was it but of course there was more. Logan was afraid to tell me but he had actually spoken to Lydecker while I was out chasing around after Ben. He told me he wanted to call Zack (Now that has to be a first – Logan actually wanting Zack around!

Those two are like oil and water; they definitely do not mix well.) Trouble is neither Logan or I have a contact number for Zack so that wasn't an option. Instead the idiot actually arranged a video call between Lydecker and Eyes Only. 

Lydecker of course seized the opportunity to confirm his guess that Eyes Only and I work together and to try to drive a wedge between us. I could have told Logan he would do that. Ancient military strategy – divide and conquer. Logan is so naïve in some ways about how scum like Lydecker operate. 

Anyway, my turn to forgive Logan but how could I not ?. He was motivated by worry for me and I honestly believe he couldn't think of what else to do. If he can manage to live with the knowledge of what I once did and not condemn me for it who am I to condemn him for trying to help me. Anyway he did something incredibly sweet. He repeated his poem to me (the one I stole) and then he changed the last words. Instead of "somebody's angel" he looked at me with those incredible eyes of his and said "my angel." I wanted to freak out but I realized how hard it was for him to open himself up to me that way. Instead of freaking I took a deep breath and said back to him "Your angel." The look in his eyes when I did that almost had me running but I didn't, I stayed. 

So that's where we stand now. I feel like we are both balanced on a high wire with no net below us. We are inches away from touching but one misstep by either one of us and we will both plunge into the abyss waiting below. I have plenty of worries running through my mind – Ben's insanity (Is it in all of us or was it something unique to his genetic code?), Lydecker's knowledge of the Eyes Only/Max connection, and the fact that there are still some unidentified bounty hunters after me.

Despite all of that my biggest worry is the relationship between Logan and me. I want and I don't want at the same time. I am afraid that in a crucial moment my emotions are going to betray me and end up getting me, or Logan, or both of us, captured or killed.

But I can't leave Seattle. I can't leave him. I've tried and I couldn't do it. Father Destry would tell me there is a higher power guiding my actions, that there is a plan that I can't see. I don't buy that. I guess all I can do is live each day as it comes. Just a working girl trying to make it in a tough world. I have my posse, the gang at Jam Pony, and I have Logan. What more could a girl want?


End file.
